1. Have my kids. Because truly, they are the best kids in the world. Either that, or we are the best parents. Come to think of it, I’m going with that option. So…let’s start again.
1a. Have children raised by me because they will be the best kids ever and be well behaved for the drive to and from Florida even on the return trip when doped up on Easter candy. They will be so good in fact that you will NOT ONE TIME have to wrench your body around in your seat to scream, “Would you for the LOVE of all things HOLY please STOP that infernal whateverwhatever before I LOSE my MIND.” Nor will they do what my brother and I did on our regular family spring break drives to Florida and spend much of the trip alternately drawing dividing lines down the middle of the back seat and kicking the living shit out of each other for crossing the aforementioned lines.
2. Have a dad who has a bitchin’ pad on the Florida Bay in Key Largo. And a sailboat. Shwing! Ask him to take you on a day sail to Nest Key. Pack a bunch of sandwiches from Chad’s in Tavernier. That’s also a great place for breakfast. Their cinnamon rolls are insane. Wear a lot of sunscreen. Snorkel, collect shells, bask.
3. Take a day trip to Bahia Honda State Park, which is a bit of a haul for a walk down memory lane to visit the place where you used to go camping every spring when you were younger, but worth it.
4. Don’t tell your kids that you’re going to Disney World until you’re practically on the way there. Wear ear plugs when you tell them.
5. Only go to Disney World for a day. Go to the Magic Kingdom and go for the ENTIRE DAY – 8:30 am until midnight – but just one day will do thanks.
6. Give into it. Because really? Reliving your childhood by riding on Pirates of the Carribean with your kids over and over and watching them be just as enthralled and excited and entranced as you and your brother used to be is pretty damn fantastic.