It’s that time of year, the leaves are turning, the air is getting brisk, and thoughts turn to apple picking and family celebrations.
Actually, it’s been really muggy, raining cats and dogs, and I still haven’t managed to pack away the beach stuff from our trip to North Carolina in August.
My inability to get with the autumnal program, however, has not deterred the fashion magazines from issuing their annual “Here’s what you will want to be wearing now” directives.
Let’s see what we’ve got to work with, shall we?
This kind of nonsense needs to stop immediately. This shoe, and all other bootie-ish, strappy, high on the foot, hooker-high heels are ugly and will always be ugly. I don’t care who wears them and with what, you cannot put lipstick on THIS particular pig.
On the other hand, the bag pictured above is the kind of accessory you should be selecting this season. And if you pick one up for yourself, get one for me, too. This one is from Banana Republic, whose products are otherwise better suited for six foot tall glamazons weighing 78 pounds.
I don’t really know what to say about this, other than I’m guessing somebody doesn’t have a mirror. I’m pretty certain that I detect actual zippers on those shoes. And, oh look. The shoes are booty-ish in nature and have mile-high hooker heels. Nice socks, by the way. Please pay particular attention to the quantity of mesh involved, as this will be a motif throughout the Full Frontal Fall Fashion Extravaganza.
Interesting phenomenon here: after viewing the picture directly preceding it, this outfit looks almost sane. Trust me, though, if you hadn’t seen the exhibitionist clown get-up first, you would be appalled by this. As if the dress isn’t sufficiently dreadful, the Rambo style headband that appears to have been cut from a section of the hem of the “dress” really does add a whole new layer of WTF.
If red is your thing, and you don’t want to go with the Red Carpet Crime Against Humanity, you might go with this ensemble from Ann Taylor. I’m not a big fan of the bracelet over high leather gloves look, which is a little too dominatrix hurts so good for me, and that belt looks like it might actually inhibit deep breathing. Nevertheless, I like the red as a coat – sans belt – and the rest of it is classic and tidy.
I’m starting to discern a few trends in the Fall lineup. Very feminine, to be sure. Perhaps, excessively so. Belts, not my thing, but OK. Perhaps Tiffany blue wasn’t the color to go with here; I’d have chosen something more, I don’t know, matching? Also, the visible underwear seems to be happening with alarming frequency. Maybe some lingerie that doesn’t look my grandmother’s Playtex Cross Your Heart 18 hour jobbie might have been a little more stylish in this case? Just sayin’.
Another trend I’m picking up on here is the intentional use of lace as the primary material for an article of clothing, as opposed to just trim or accent. Yet another trend: looking like you’ve accidentally left the house in a nightie you bought at the Vegas Bunny Ranch as a gag gift for your best girlfriend. Visible underwear in this case would actually be a little reassuring. I’m assuming the child is her own and not an accessory, but I’m not going to count on it.
Did you notice that the pictures of cute things are tiny and the heinous things are huge? What’s up with that? So here’s a dress. I like the dress. I’ve been seeing a lot of dresses. I think I should buy a dress. I can’t tell what’s happening with the shoes but they look suspiciously booty-like or beribboned a la Red Carpet Hot Mess.
Fall Fashion Check List:
lace – check
visible underwear – check
dress – check
ugly booties – check
My work here is done.