A long time ago in a galaxy far far away my son is obsessed with Star Wars, Heaven help me, is there no rest for the weary? I wrote a little thing about the media playing up the tensions between working moms and stay at home moms and how I thought that the tensions were imagined. I also said something about how I often wished I stayed at home, but in general was happy that I was working out of the home and that nobody had a right to say that one option was more challenging than the other. I’d show you exactly what I wrote, but I can’t find it because the search feature on this blog isn’t working and hasn’t been for months and months just like the comment function for 50% of the people who try to leave comments but hey, I’m working on it and, again, by “I” I mean “someone who isn’t me.”
Here’s the thing. I’m taking it back. Life is infinitely less complicated when one parent doesn’t have a full time job that requires that he/she be out of the house for 8+ hours a day. Is life complicated regardless of who works where and for how long? Yes. Is staying home with children stressful, exhausting, and occasionally mind-numbing? Yes, Yes, and Yes. Is it tedious and frustrating to “keep a house?” Yes.
My husband does at least, if not more than, half of the child management stuff around here. He is the laundry master. He irons. The division of labor in terms of house and kids is pretty equal. We have terrific babysitters and ready, willing, able grandparents. Our gym has an excellent kids’ program. We squeak in little bits of “doing our own thing” whether that thing be writing and girls’ night out or mountain biking and skiing. And we are bloody spent.
We can, but I don’t want to
I chose a career that gives me summers off and before you go all “Teachers have it so easy, blah blah blah” you just come on over here any weeknight or weekend day and grab yourself a handful of essays and start grading. Better yet? Think of a way to teach the virtues and perils of iambic pentameter to a bunch of 14 year olds who’d rather be doing anything than learning about the virtues and perils of iambic pentameter despite the fact that their parents are determined to get them into Princeton on an iambic pentameter scholarship. Summers prove one thing other than age spots actually do happen if you spend too much time in the sun and no matter how many years I take tennis lessons I will still suck, when Mom’s home, everybody’s happier. It’s like a giant exhale…the pace slows, the urgency diminishes, the faith that it, whatever IT is, will all get done is reinstated. We are all freed up to be and do our best.
This week is spring break for me and my kids. I went to bed last night without Sunday Panic causing twitchy limbs and restless sleep. I grocery shopped, going to three different places so that everything we needed and wanted was stocked. The laundry is done. My kids are playing with each other, nicely, in anticipation of playdates or “playdakes” as my six year old still calls them and I refuse to correct her because it’s the very last baby thing she says. Later today, I’m going to clean the tub, not my favorite thing to do but I’m glad to do it and not feel like I’m supposed to be doing something else or, more likely, know that it needs doing and ignore it. I’m cooking, and not just tossing things from freezer to oven. Actual meals. Some for now and some for later.
For a week anyway, we’ve exhaled.
Baked Ziti with Ricotta
- Mix 12 oz whole milk ricotta, 2 tb olive oil, 1/2 tsp salt and some pepper together and set aside.
- In a separate bowl, toss together shredded mozzarella and 1 1/2 cups grated parmesan.
- Cool 1 1/2 pounds ziti until it just begins to soften – about five minutes. Keep 1 1/2 cups of the cooking water and drain the rest. Return drained pasta to the pot and stir in 4 1/2 cups marinara – however you make it – this is so personal that I’m not even going to impose my recipe on you. If you really want it, shoot me an email and I’ll send it. Add 2 more TB oil (I never said it was low fat) and the reserved pasta water.
- Pour half the sauced pasta into a 13 X9 baking dish. Splodge large spoonfuls of the ricotta over the pasta as evenly as you can without cursing loudly enough that the children hear. Ricotta doesn’t like to spread. Pour the remaining pasta over the ricotta. Sprinkle evenly with the mozzarella/Parm.
- You can freeze this sucker for a month if you wrap it well. You can also refrigerate it for a few days.
- To serve – either thaw it completely if it was frozen, or just stick it in a 400 degree oven. Cover the dish tightly with aluminum foil that’s been sprayed so the cheese doesn’t stick. Mustn’t waste the gooey melty cheese!
- Bake until sauce bubbles, 30-40 minutes.
- Remove the foil and bake until cheese begins to brown slightly, another 25 minutes or so.
Accept praise from grateful family.
I also made some of the Pioneer Woman’s BBQ Meatballs. You can click through to get at the recipe, but let me just say this: my husband ate some and immediately suggested we renew our wedding vows.
I hear you.
The thing is, most of the Stay-at-home moms I have encountered, don’t keep their house clean or cook meals and then complain about how hard they have it. I know this isn’t true of all of them, but I honestly have yet to meet the exception.
I’m exhaling on Wednesday during the drive to Bethany Beach. Then I’m sleeping for four days while the kids and their dad eat diner food for sustenance.
Can. Not. Wait.
As much as I sometimes hate being at home (I’m just being bloody honest here, because yes, it can be extremely tedious and mind-numbing), it is easier in some ways. I kind of freak out at the thought of full-time school next year because suddenly things will be sooooo much more complicated. I can do cleaning and grocery-shopping and meal planning during weekdays, though it has become harder with the addition of school even part-time.
When do we get a playdake?
i can’t even imagine how moms who work full-time do it. it is my privilege to be able to “stay home” and “not work” for my family — i really appreciate it, and am very grateful. i have 2 kids with high daily medical involvement on my part, and work part-time for my husband, who takes whatever time i can give him, and looks the other way about the mess here at home. sandi must have been to my house.
though i do cook — don’t know how one affords going out while staying at home!
moms who work full-time, i salute you.
yes. and ugh. and meh. and how do *you* do it?
Well, I have done both; but when I was a stay at home mom I never stayed at home. I felt like the last volunteer standing. By the time I left for Junior high school it felt good to get out. Yes, I burned about 2 nights a week and 1 weekend a month on school. Funny, they didn’t think Alg 1 was essential, either; don’t even start me on math 8.
We have more in common than dog legs. My hands are almost healed, and the poodle is now tired of the cast.How are you?
I think of myself as a part time stay at home Mom. I work until 1, and then I am home, doing the Mom stuff. If I didn’t have both, I think just doing one would drive me crazy.
And teachers DESERVE their spring breaks.
Whatever, dude.
Amen, Sister.
Last week my husband had a staycation – he was off work for a week, while the rest of us kept a regular schedule.
Holy hell, that was nice. He did all of the scut work and also some house projects. Life is indeed infinitely easier when one spouse holds down the fort. I just don’t want it to be me.
There’s a reason I stay home, doods. It’s because I know I can’t hack going back to work. I’ve not had to do it, techinically, since the kids were born. I used to tutor part time at night three nights a week until last year, when it got too hard to keep doing it because the evenings are Ian’s worst time. And I still dog sit and babysit, so technically I work (because I get paid) but at least I work FROM MY HOME. I cannot imagine having to get up every day, get my kids ready, keep my house decent, plan meals, take care of the kids’ medical issues, paperwork, appointments, phone calls…it CANNOT BE DONE.
Sure it would be super nice to have more money and not have to be so damn frugal. But it’s a tradeoff. I’m sooooooooooooo soooooooooooooooo glad i can stay home.
It’s interesting. I work full time and I agree. We run. None stop. running. And I feel like all I do is rush my kids from one thing to the other. All day.
But I love working. I do.
And it would be best for me if I could do both. But a better balance would be so nice.
I need a part time gig that won’t bore me to tears and pays well. It has to exist. Though I feel like it’s a unicorn.
I haven’t done both, but imagining the stressy rush of being a work-away-from-home mother was enough to make me choose to stay home.
I love your graphic!
Oh, and, Sandi, I (and most of the at-home-moms I know) do cook most days and keep the house comfortably clean.
I have a full-time job outside the home. I have 4 children, therefore I have a full time job AT home as well. I work 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I am not a teacher, therefore I don’t have summers “off”. There is no breathing time for me. It’s all me all the time. I did the stay at home mom bit as well, about 5 years ago I had the opportunity to stay home with my 3 children (the fourth was born last year). I will say that staying home was MUCH easier than what I am doing now. I could manage my home and do housework, keep up with laundry, read books to my kids, make dinner, all from the comfort of my pajamas. Work out of the home moms don’t have that luxury. Work out of the home moms still have to do all of that household maintenance and child rearing with less time. Think about it…housework stretched out over an 8 hour period or housework crammed into a 2 hour period? It’s simple math. Me = wishing I could be home to raise my children instead of paying someone else to do it so that I can sit at a desk on a sunshiney day. bleh.
Your blog entry is like saying apples are better than bananas. Some will agree and some will disagree. Being a mom is difficult, and it has nothing to do with how clean your house is or how good of a cook you are. I think being a working mom is difficult and that is true for moms that stay home and for moms that have jobs outside of the home. Saying that one is more difficult than the other is both judgmental and narrow-minded. You are neglecting to take into account all of the variables at stake…Diversity is nice. During the day you may be a school teacher, an accountant, an engineer, a secretary, etc but you are not a practicing mom – you leave that to whoever is taking care of your children. While you work long hours and are busy trying to juggle all of the demands on you (and I’m not saying this isn’t difficult) – the demands are different depending on what part of the day you are in. My oldest children are in school all day and I am no longer responsible for their care – I drop them off at school and I trust that they are well taken care of and that someone is doing the things that I did when they were still at home with me (but someone else is doing it.) I may volunteer to help but I am no longer responsible for their care 24 hours a day. I teach my 3 and 1 year old children and often babysit for “working” moms when their babysitter cancels at the last minute – does that make every teacher/babysitter a stay-at-home mom? I have volunteered to make costumes for school plays, hemmed clothes for school choirs, etc. Does that make every seamstress a stay-at-home mom? My home is not always spotless but that does not mean that I am not cleaning it. My one-year-old is a tornado and can dump out every toy we own in a matter of seconds. Does that make me lazy? When you work outside of the home – your house is as clean or as dirty as you left it (with no additional work from you.) I wake up at 5:30 am with my husband and don’t stop moving until well after 10 pm. If I don’t work and what I do is easy – will you please tell me what I do all day long? Being a mother is a thankless job. Children, spouses, friends, etc. often forget to say “thank-you” or to tell you what a great job you’re doing. You never get a raise, a promotion, and rarely get any praise. You’re just a stay-at-home mom and according to you I have it easy and you have it much harder than I do. Comments like those (and those left in the the comments section) make it an even more “thankless job”.
I have done both and while each is tiring and often thankless I found that working outside of the home garners more respect for the actual work but that it makes things much harder.
It’s not like staying home is easier, just more flexible. When a kid forgets last minute band concert rehearsal, you don’t have to ask your boss if you can leave early, you just do what you would have done, sometime later that evening. When a kid is sick, you don’t have to figure out if they are really sick enough for you to call in. It’s just easier, not easy. I used to have 50/hr a week high level corporate job and there is no way I could have done that and had three kids, maybe a better woman than I could have but not me.
I empathize with moms that work full time, don’t even get me started on single moms with full time jobs, that’s got to be the hardest thing.
I’m not sure I follow your rhetoric, but I will agree that mothering can be a thankless job. However, I don’t think the original post or any of the commenters meant to belittle the work stay at home mothers accomplish.
What I read in all of these comments was that not having to balance the craziness of work life and family life makes daily existence more simple. Not easier, or less meaningful, just more simple – not as many directions for a mother to be pulled, which makes life a lot less complicated.
I agree, it would be difficult to be a single mom and it would be difficult to be a mom that works outside of the home but it is also difficult to work as a stay at home mom. They are all difficult, being a mom is, but they are all different and should not be labeled as one more difficult than the other. They all have challenges and the challenges are going to be difficult but different for each group. My mom had a job outside of the home while I was growing up. Yes, it was difficult, yes there were challenges and sacrifices, yes her schedule wasn’t as flexible,… For a short time she tried to stay home all day and she couldn’t do it – the challenges were different and she didn’t like it. Within six months she was working again. Was she a good mom? The absolute best but for her being at home was more difficult than having a job. This is not going to be true for everyone – for some it is easier to stay home. Making a blanket statement saying it is easier to stay home than to get a job outside of the home is not taking into full account people’s personalities, the type of job people have, the type of job individual’s do as a mother, support from others, individual circumstances, attitude and the “extra” things that are done or needed. Which job is more difficult – accountant, doctor, lawyer, fireman? Why? Do you think everyone would answer the question the same way?
I’ve done both and having a full time job with children is harder. It’s ALWAYS harder, especially when you are a single mother. There is no way to frame it that being at home running your home the way you want it and taking care of your children is harder or more thankless than working all week and coming home to the second shift at home and the yard work and the errands and the home repairs. No way. I’m not PC. I don’t care. It’s totally worthwhile to be at home with your children, and often there is really no other good option, but it’s NOT HARDER.