Celebutaunt

Give Me Shelter

January 19, 2011 By The Well Read Hostess 14 Comments

So, Gwyneth Paltrow has this website, called, unbelievably, GOOP. I’ve written about this before, but not in much detail, because I couldn’t bring myself to spend enough time GOOPing it up to glean anything worth writing about. Gwyenth gives me agita.

Last night when I was grading papers, watching back to back episodes of 24 on Netflix, and avoiding Twitter, I was on Twitter (shut up) and saw this thread of tweets (it gives me pain to write that, the less we discuss the sad turn my life has taken, the better) categorized as Paltrow Advice.

Gwyneth’s latest GOOP utterance has taken the form of a piece she’s called “A Day in the Life.” I read a blurb about it a few days ago, and perused it briefly before blowing chunder into my garbage can and moving on with my day. She’s out of her mind. “A Day in the Life” is, well, here…I’ll let her tell you:

“finding a good balance between having a career and being a mom,” which got me thinking about the other extremely busy working mothers I know and what their days might be like. I asked Juliet de Baubigny, a venture capitalist I met (it’s no wonder this woman is so freakin’ successful—spreadsheets for family packing … wow!), and fashion designer Stella McCartney to send in a day in their lives to see how they do the mothers’ special—everything all at once. I learned a lot and got some good tips from these ladies. And, because some of you have asked what one of my days looks like, I’ve included a random one of my more manic days from last November.”

Right. So we’re going to learn about how to manage a day in our lives from Stella McCartney – the wildly successful fashion designer daughter of and heir to the most well-known musician and music businessman on the planet, a venture capitalist who has a veritable army of assistants and lackeys at her disposal, and a movie star with a rock star husband?

Here are some highlights:

Juliet wakes up at 5:30 to exercise, “I’m currently obsessed with the Tracy Anderson Method and do the Perfect Design DVD three times a week. I even take the DVD traveling! On cardio days, I use the elliptical or spin bike for 30 minutes (including lots of sprints). I bring my iPad and use the Flipboard app to curate my social media (Facebook, Twitter and categories that are important to me: business, technology, style, design, fashion). The iPad is a lifesaver for me: in 30 minutes, I have read everything that I need to start my day!”

Got that? Wake up at 5:30, and you’re going to need an elliptical, a spinning bike, and an ipad.

She also advises getting a weekly blow out and having a make up artist teach you how to do your makeup as time savers.

In terms of balancing work and home? ” On a Friday afternoon, I’m given the list of outstanding calls/topics/decisions that I need to make over the weekend.”

What? You don’t have a staff to prepare this list for you?

“6pm – 7:30pm is family time, as many nights of the week as I can make it. Conference calls happen before or after that window, same for email. Giving 100% attention and quality time to my children is key, particularly when I’ve been out at work all day.”

What lucky children. 1 1/2 hours of mommy time – “as many nights as she can make it.” Also. Bullshit. If you google Juliet, you’ll see that she’s out at parties about five nights a week. Plus she later says that she gets pedicures, manicures, and facials weekly after work and has acupuncture at 9:30 at night.

As near as I can tell, Stella McCartney either doesn’t work very hard or has memory issues. Her day reads like a blurry fantasy. Wake up, cuddle kids, have a little brekkie, cab over to Adidas and talk about a lovely little tracksuit I’ve been working on – so nice, and then go home for a napsy wapsy.

Gwyneth’s own advice is the jackpot, though. You can go read it yourself, but what’s more fun is the fake advice that showed up last night on twitter.

The bottom line is this:

Have a lot of money. Pay people to do things like cook, clean, drive, do errands. Buy lots of nice clothes and have things like them, accessories, gifts, and groceries delivered to your house. Fly first class. Also, nannies. The end.

Paltrow Advice a la Twitter:

Filed Under: Bloggers Like Us, Celebutaunt, Facts of Life Tagged With: GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow

Famous People Who Want To Be My Neighbor

August 31, 2010 By The Well Read Hostess 7 Comments

Catchy title, huh?

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. And clever with titles.

Brendan Fraser would love to be my neighbor. I just typed “neighbro” by accident, which sort of works, because I can imagine having a sibling-kind of relationship with him. I cannot explain WHY he would want to be my neighbor other than that. I think we’d get along. He’d like my family. He’d hang out on the back porch. He and my husband would help each other trim tree branches and paint stuff. He would like my cooking and frequently filch cookies from the counter before they’ve cooled.

Heather Graham would also love to be my neighbor. My husband thinks this is an excellent idea, by the way, but I suspect his reasons are different from my own. As my friend JennRuss would say, AHEM. Heather would constantly be barging in the back door at all hours of the day and night. At three a.m. she’d show up and ask, “Did I wake you? OH MY GOD! I’m so sorry!!!” And it would be impossible to be annoyed with her because she’s freaking adorable and fun and so Heather Graham-y. Plus she’s be holding a bottle of Vicodin and asking, “I think my dog ate a bunch of these. Is that bad?” Or she’d show up at nine on a Sunday in a sequined mini dress from the night before, asking if she could just sleep for a few hours because she’s locked out again. But could she first borrow some bandaids or maybe some gauze because she tried to break in but cut her thumb. Then we’d end up in the Emergency Room. Heather would often need to borrow a plunger. She’d be a regular last minute Thanksgiving dinner guest.

Joe Scarborough would LOOOOOOVVVEEE to be my neighbor. I, on the other hand, would hate it. He would love it because he would get a huge charge out of coming to my house every damn day and trying to convince me that he’s smarter than I am and that he’s right and I’m wrong. Every once in a while we’d agree on something and I’d think I’d be safe for a while, but he’d only be encouraged and come back with some ridiculous statement about immigration or Rahm Emmanuel and we’d be yelling again and I’d be waving my arms and rolling my eyes so far back in my head that I’d get a migraine and TWGH would just sigh and go in the house (smarter than both of us by miles). Scarborough’s wife would call him on his iphone, “Get the hell home for dinner, Joe. Leave the Dunnings ALONE.” Eventually, he’d just be like Mr. Roper. Always around and making noise, but a familiar presence.

Angelina and Brad. But only because kids love to play at my house and theirs would just roll on in and make themselves at home while Brangelina jet off to make movies somewhere. Hello free babysitting.

Wanda Sykes practically IS my neighbor. And is my goal to get her to Wednesday Spaghetti. Hello Wanda??!! We’ve got a big one coming up! Call me! Wanda and I would be best buddies. She would drop in all the time just to say hi and to drop off her kids when she needed some “me” time. I would do the same with my kids. Soon, my kids would call her “Aunt Wanda,” and tell outrageous stories about the nutty stuff “Aunt Wanda” does. They wouldn’t even know that she’s a big star, because she’s grounded and real and shops at the Acme just like we do. Wanda would come over and just hang out, and before we knew it, it would be midnight and we’d have killed a few bottles of red wine and our stomachs would hurt from laughing so much. I know I could count on Wanda to pick my kids up if I’m running late, and she knows that if she’s out of town on business, and her pipes burst, I’ll make sure the plumber comes and everything is fixed up by the time she gets home. Because that’s what neighbors do.

This is only Part the First of my list, because I can’t finish it now. I left my wallet at Target and have to go retrieve it. I’m blaming adult onset ADD. Or dementia. Or the fact that I’m back at work after the best summer ever and am so depressed about it that I’m contemplating taking the dog’s sedatives to get through the day.

Filed Under: Celebutaunt, I Just Make Most of This Up Tagged With: Angelie Jolie, Brad Pitt, Brangelina, Brendan Fraser, Heather Graham, Joe Scarborough, Wanda Sykes, Won't You Be My Neighbor

“Oh I love trash. Anything dirty or dingy or dusty, anything ragged or rotten or rusty, yes I love trash!”

March 8, 2010 By 13 Comments

Last night I let my kids stay up late watching the terrifically awful remake of the Shaggy D.A. starring Tim the Toolman Taylor because I wanted them to leave me alone while I watched the beginning of the Oscars.

I’m not proud, but there it is.

I love me some famous people. And I love me the big dresses. And I love it when people behave outrageously. And I love me a spectacle. And the Oscars are a spectacle of the famous people acting outrageously in big dresses.

I will confess, though, to a bit of Oscar ambivalence, philosophically speaking, and this year’s show did nothing to help resolve that.

One the one hand: famous people, dresses, outrageous behavior, spectacle.

One the other hand: It’s entertainment, and entertainers. It’s not life saving cancer treatments and great acts of humanitarianism and social consciousness. Nobody is changing the world by painting themselves blue and inventing a language and filming in 3-D. Last night’s Academy Awards show included a new feature, one that the director (who, in my humble opinion, should be run out of town on a rail and I don’t even know who it is so if it happens to be my cousin Greg, who is a real live director, I’m sorry and I don’t mean it and it was awesome because nepotism is wicked cool) was especially pleased about and mentioned in interviews; for the best actor/actress awards, each nominee was introduced by a friend who was also an actor/actress, and instead of merely discussing that nominee’s performance in the film for which he/she was nominated, the friend talked about that nominee’s personal characteristics as well. And I was all, “HUH?” Isn’t that sort of beside the point? And worse, isn’t it giving a kind of significance to an award about being a good actor that it maybe doesn’t merit? It’s not a peace prize. It’s not a MacArthur grant. It’s not even Boy Scout Volunteer of the Year. It’s an acting award.

Hence the ambivalence. Also, that show had the pace of a three legged turtle on ludes. OH MY GOD, could you have kept it moving a little faster??!! I think Alec Baldwin fell asleep during his own bit on stage.

Also, to my brother, I know that this is really long. Deal with it. I’m blood. You can make the time.

Oscar highlights, forthwith.

Isn’t the girl that George brings to events so that my husband doesn’t know we’re having an affair pretty? And she got the memo: wear a red dress. I bet she regrets that tat, though.
p.s. George, get a haircut.

Cameron Diaz got the other memo: wear silver. She looks gorgeous, even though her face is a little weird. But a) I didn’t even see her there (note to director – less talky talky more candid shots of pretty people) and b) was she even in anything over the past year?

People went all bananas about this dress and the boob flowers. I thought it was gorgeous, the color, the rosettes on her gazongas, especially when you could see the whole thing, including the back. Stunning. Plus? Charlize Theron? You could roll her in dog poop and sprinkles and she’d look fab.

Is this Demi Moore? And is she wearing a dress or is she nude and ruffled? I hate nude colored clothes. I have been working on a Demi Moore theory based on my observation that she not only appears NOT to age, but might actually be getting younger. I think she’s made of at least 74% silly putty. Which would explain the dress color, actually. The remaining 26% percent? Restylane and hubris.

Helen Mirren is a goddess. She is sublime. She is divine. She is an inspiration. She should ditch Captain Von Trapp, though, he ages her.

It was SO nice of Matthew Broderick to bring SJP’s ninety year old grandmother from Boca to the awards with him. What a sweet guy. He even drove her to the show in his convertible! What a prince! SJP was nominated for what? Worst eye lift of 2009? I think she lost to Nicole Kidman, though.

Readers, I’d like to introduce you to my best friend, Sandy. She’s awesome and funny and smart and totally gets it. Even though I think Gabourey Sidibey should have won. Sorry, Sandy. BFFs forevs, though.

I’m not putting a picture of Maggie Gyllenhaal here because she is the cutest thing ever other than my daughter who is currently missing two front teeth courtesy of her brother and an unfortunate swimming pool mishap the other day, but alas, her dress is not so much wonderful.

I’m also not putting the picture of Kathryn Bigelow up here because I have never in my life seen someone who had every chance to be prepared for such a moment look so awkward and uncomfortable. I cringed for her. I was, however, thrilled that she won, and even more thrilled that she beat James Cameron who is irksome, and yet more thrilled today when I learned about ten years after everyone else on the planet that she was James Cameron’s first wife whom he left for Linda Hamilton whom he left for the chick he’s married to now. Poetic justice makes me shiver with delight.

And now, I guess I should probably see some of these movies everybody last night was talking about.

Filed Under: Celebutaunt, Hypocrisy, Mama Like, Parent of the Year