I don’t write about dieting and weight much…at least not my own.  First of all, I’m feeling self-conscious merely writing about writing about something I didn’t write about (read it again, it actually makes sense), and second – and way more important – BORING.  Everybody is hung up enough on what they, themselves, look like naked and their own sordid histories and sado-masochistic relationships with food to give a crap about mine.

In the interest of context, however, I will say this: I’ve never been skinny.  I’m not tall (read: I’m short), so there aren’t very many places for weight to go, let alone go unnoticed.  Two pregnancies might have done (absolutely did) some damage.  Eating too much and not exercising nearly enough definitely didn’t help.  And holy buckets of cellulite, it is not possible to be overprepared for what turning 40 does to a girl’s metabolism.

So, last spring I pretty much stopped eating carbohydrates.

STOP RIGHT HERE!!

Do not, under any circumstances, tell me why this “isn’t going to work,” why I am going to “gain the weight back,”  how I am going to “damage my kidneys/liver/heart/arteries/left foot/uvula/fill in the body part.”  Seriously.  Please don’t.

Moving along.

I eat lowfat and nonfat dairy products, at least those that don’t make me puke – so, that would be nonfat lattes and yogurt and some cheese.  I eat  non-starchy, low sugar vegetables, and yes I know they have carbohydrates in them, refer to the “pretty much” up yonder.  And I eat meat.  Lower fat cuts of meat, and more chicken breasts than any person should ever have to face in a lifetime because I don’t like fish, but lots and lots (and lots and lots and lots) of meat.

So…three things have happened.

1.  I’ve lost weight.  Slowly, steadily, consistently.  Which is nice.  I’m not giving numbers because I’m not that kind of girl and also, hell no, but some people say, “Huh, something’s different about you.  New haircut?”, some people say, “Hey, you like like you’ve gotten in shape.  Nice!”  and some people say really charming things like, “HOLY ****!!!  I barely even recognize you!!”  because apparently those people were born in a sludgy bog somewhere where manners don’t exist.

2.  I’m pretty sure I’m growing fangs and it’s possible that some nights I howl at the moon.  At this point, I’ve eaten more meat in five months than I have in my entire lifetime prior to those five months put together.

3.  I learned how to cook meat.  Other than on a grill.  The fact that I didn’t know how to do this before has always been sort of mortifying.  That I can serve up a few different cuts of beef, other than, say, a cheeseburger, and that I know what to do with a pork chop is kind of rewarding.

Phil W.’s Porkchops

note:  this isn’t low fat at all, but worth it

Brown a few thick cut boneless pork chops in butter mixed with a tiny bit of olive oil (keeps the butter from burning) over medium heat until they are mostly done.

Add two TB cream (or half and half, whatever you have) and apple cider (or apple juice, or brandy, or even beer, although I almost always use apple juice b/c that’s what’s easiest) to the pan and swirl it around until mixed.  Simmer, still over medium, until the sauce is reduced.

In a small bowl, mix 3/4 cup grated gruyere cheese, 2 more TB cream (or half and half) and 1 TB Coleman’s dry mustard and a very small bit of salt and pepper.

Top each pork chop with some of the cheese mix and broil until the cheesy stuff is melted and ever so slightly browned.

Eat two.  They’re really good.