The other day when I dropped my kids off at my mother’s house for an afternoon of grandma fun, my daughter announced, “Mommy and Daddy were yelling and Daddy slammed the door and broke it.” 

“Well, no secrets at your house!” my mother remarked.  Right.  Note to self:  if we’re going to fight in front of the kids, try to teach them not to advertise the fact.

But is it OK to fight in front of the kids?  I remember my own parents arguing from time to time, but I don’t remember ever being afraid or worried or freaked out by it.  My husband and I have about two fights a year, and up until now, they have always occurred in private.  Certainly we’ve disagreed on any number of things while the kids are within earshot, but as soon as he realizes and acknowledges that I’m right, we move on and everybody’s happy.  Right?  Right??!!!

This most recent, um, “disagreement”  took us both by surprise and ignited into something a little louder and a little more impassioned than any commonplace bickering or passive-aggressive eye-rolling and exaggerated sighs.  There was yelling.  There was arm waving.  There was stomping around.  And yes, there was a door slam that claimed a 50-year old screen as a casualty. 

We went our separate ways to cool off, but neither one of us had taken into consideration the fact that our 8 and 6 year old son and daughter were two rooms away while we were having it out.  About five minutes after the door slam, my daughter peeked her head around the corner into the kitchen, saw me, threw herself into my arms, and absolutely dissolved into tears. 

Yeah.  Not one of my prouder parenting moments. 

I made all the appropriate soothing noises.  My little girl heard and understood everything I said about how grownups disagree just like kids do sometimes and Mommy and Daddy still love each other and we both said we were sorry and we are all one big happy family.  And to prove how over it she was, she skipped merrily into my mother’s house to blab all about it not an hour afterward.

Later my husband and I mentally kicked ourselves for letting the kids hear us fight, but upon further reflection I really don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing.  Certainly, kids shouldn’t be surrounded by anger and hurt and violence and mean words, but isn’t it important for them to learn that sometimes people, even perfect, infallible, Super People like Mommy and Daddy, argue?  And more important, shouldn’t they see how those people can make up and move on after the dust has settled?

Recently, I heard someone say that the relationship between parents in a family – and my interpretation of “parents” is not limited to “mother and father” but extends to include loving caretakers and guardians in whatever form they take – is the steel beam that holds the family structure together, and kids need to be able to rely on the soundness of that structure so that they can learn and grow and play freely within it.  I’m choosing to believe that the occasional overheard argument shows the children that the steel can be tested and then tempered, so that the structure in which they reside is even stronger in the end.

This originally appeared in Philly Moms Blog under the title, “Is it OK To Fight In Front of the Kids.”