Word on the streets I know it blows your mind how cutting edge and on top of it I am is that Oprah is calling it quits.  She’s giving up her long and ohmylord so prosperous daytime television career.  Speculation is rampant about who could replace her.  Which is really kind of absurd because, what?  Is the show still going to be called “Oprah” if somebody else is hosting it?  Unless they found someone else named Oprah, which seems highly unlikely, or unless someone agreed to change her name to Oprah, and, come to think of it, if it meant a career like the real Oprah has had, pretty much anybody would do, actually, so I guess I can see how that would work.

 Anyway, I’ve heard about how Dr. Oz, Oprah’s bff Gayle, Katie Couric, and Ellen DeGeneres could take over the show um, excuse me, but doesn’t she already have a show?  Called “Ellen”?  Unless she went for the whole name change scenario that would be very confusing.  I even heard someone bandying about Michelle Obama’s name as a possible replacement.  Because, you know, she doesn’t have enough to do what with being the first lady, busting her husband for catching a butt in the rose garden, growing organic lettuce, and doing bicep curls. 

All of the possibilities for an Oprah replacement are lame.  And dumb.  And stupid.  And other derogatory words that I’m too lazy to type right now.  You know why?  Well, I’ll tell you.

I am the next Oprah.

It’s obvious, really, isn’t it?  When you think about it?

Let’s review the facts:

1)  Oprah is ostensibly all about keeping it real.  Nobody keeps it more real than I do except for when I’m completely faking it and even outright lying.  It is my destiny to make sure that women stop lying to each other and, thereby, establishing unrealistic standards by which no mortal woman could live except for Oprah but that’s because she has a staff of eleventy billion and twice that much money;  I mean of course the REAL Oprah, not Ellen Oprah or Oz Oprah or Gayle Oprah. I even have a category of blog posts called, “Keeping it Real.”  How much more proof could you need?

2)  One of the most popular features of Oprah’s show is her showcase of “favorite things.”  I have lots of favorite things and none of them are whiskers on kittens more like whiskey on ice.  I could come up with a kick ass list of just ten of my favorite things right this very second, but I’m not going to for fear of crashing the websites of the purveyors of these goods like what happened to the Airborne lady and the pound cake people when Oprah talked about them on the show.  HINT: Nivea  Essential Lip Care and Smooze Fruit Ices and these pens.
I’m very thoughtful that way.  Yet another reason why I would be an excellent Oprah replacement.

3)  I already have a book club.  And frankly, it could use a boost.  Plus, I pick better books than Oprah does when I’m not picking the same ones.

4)  There are rumors that Oprah is gay  not that there’s anything wrong with it and that her relationship with Steadman is a ruse.  I don’t know if there are any rumors about me being gay in addition to the rumors about me being all kinds of other things, but I’m totally open to the idea.  Given the right woman, I could turn.  Especially if she’s as cool and fun and smart as her or her;  I could really use a wife like one of these chicks.  Plus, my husband wouldn’t deny it like Steadman does- he’d be psyched.

5)  I am completely OK with eating a lot and gaining weight and then getting personal chefs and trainers and doctors to help me lose it all and then eating a lot and gaining weight and then getting personal chefs and trainers and doctors to help me lose it again ( again).  Hell, I already do that, minus the personal chefs and trainers and doctors. 

6)  It was big news and big drama when Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah’s couch.  People jump on my couch all damn day.

7)  Oprah has had Barack Obama at her work;  I have had Barack Obama at my work.  AND John McCain.  But I totally draw the line at Sarah Palin.

8)  I have way more interesting friends than Oprah does that I could elevate to star status by virtue of their relationship with me.  For instance, AG in Montana would be the editor of MY magazine because she will not hesitate to tell you if your ass looks fat in those jeans and she can find the coolest stuff at any thrift store in the nation.  Plus, she knows how to put on eye makeup and pile her hair on top of her head in a messy but cool way that she calls, “prom hair.”  My mom could do Dr. Oz’s job, and more efficiently, too, since she will insist that every possible physical ailment is caused by sinus congestion or lack of exercise.  Including scabies and chlamydia.  My daughter would make an excellent nutrition and health advisor – everyone would be thin and fit because we’d eat nothing but the occasional carrot and bowl of cheerios and never stop moving.  Not ever.  Not even when she’s we’re sleeping.  My friend Reagan would replace Eckhart Tolle on the satellite radio channel named after me because she knows more about how the universe works than anybody, including the difference between a Chocolate Covered Bitch and a Bitch With a Delicious Chocolate Center.  Come on!  That’s information everyone can use.

9)  Oprah has dogs, I have a dog.  At least, I have a dog at the moment;  if she continues to gnaw on the edge of the living room rug I might not have a dog for much longer.

and finally,