I don’t believe that Proposition 8 in California goes nearly far enough.  Therefore, I hereby put forth my own proposition, and perhaps even this shouldn’t be limited to the state of California, but should become an amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America, because it’s JUST THAT IMPORTANT.

Marriage is, at least insofar as it relates to the state and federal governments, an institution that brings with it a legal status entitling a person to certain benefits and privileges.  Similarly, a library card is an official document giving permission – which is like a legal right - for an individual to receive certain benefits and privileges,  namely the right to check out books, read magazines for free, and occasionally access the internet.

Borrowing from the arguments identified in a summary of the venerable Dr. James Dobson on the cleverly and imaginatively named website, “nogaymarriage.com,” *  as evidence, 

I propose that library cards only be issued to heterosexuals. 


“Argument #1:  The implications for children in a world of decaying families are profound. A recent article in the Weekly Standard described how the advent of legally sanctioned gay unions in Scandinavian countries has already destroyed the institution of marriage, where half of today’s children are born out of wedlock.

Scandinavians are socialists.  Everything that has anything to do with socialism is bad.  Therefore, anything Scandinavian is bad.  This includes Abba, Rykrisp crackers, and gay marriage.

It is predicted now, based on demographic trends in this country, that more than half of the babies born in the 1990s will spend at least part of their childhood in single-parent homes… If it continues, almost every child will have several “moms” and “dads,” perhaps six or eight “grandparents,” and dozens of half-siblings.

Everybody knows that more family is bad.  The more people there are who can support you and show you love, the more likely your ideology will be polluted with conflicting ideas.  Next thing you know, your kids will be socialists.  Gay socialists.

The apostle Paul described a similar society in Romans 1, which addressed the epidemic of homosexuality that was rampant in the ancient world and especially in Rome at that time. He wrote, “They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless” (v. 29-31, NIV).

It appears likely now that the demise of families will accelerate this type of decline dramatically, resulting in a chaotic culture that will be devastating to children.

I’m sure that the science and data behind this is sound, despite the fact that the website offers none as support.  But they wouldn’t lie, would they?  I mean, hell, or rather, heck, they quote the bible! 

Now to my point:  Scandinavians offer library cards to homosexuals and we’ve all agreed that Scandinavia is a seething fiery pit of doom.  Also, if homosexuals are allowed to have library cards, too many people will be able to check library books out of the library and then the children might not be able to find Phyllis Shlafly’s Big Book of Bigoted Rhymes and Decidedly NOT Fairy Tales when they want to.  This would be detrimental to children.  Lots of research shows this.  It’s true.  I’m almost sure of it.

Argument #2
The introduction of legalized gay marriages will lead inexorably to polygamy and other alternatives to one-man, one-woman unions….

Why will gay marriage set the table for polygamy? Because there is no place to stop once that Rubicon has been crossed. Historically, the definition of marriage has rested on a bedrock of tradition, legal precedent, theology and the overwhelming support of the people. After the introduction of marriage between homosexuals, however, it will be supported by nothing more substantial than the opinion of a single judge or by a black-robed panel of justices. After they have done their wretched work, the family will consist of little more than someone’s interpretation of “rights.”

Those wretched judges.  Why should we entrust them to enforce the laws of the land and the interpretation of “rights.”  We don’t have “rights” anymore.  Dick Cheney took them all and hid them in his non-google-able bunker.  Instead of trusting these “black robed” – clearly a mark of the devil, wouldn’t you say, judges, we should allow someone who speaks with a more reliable authority to tell us all what we can and can’t do, like, for instance, Dr. James Dobson.  Or Scooby Doo.

Given that unstable legal climate, it is certain that some self-possessed judge, somewhere, will soon rule that three men and one woman can marry. Or five and two, or four and four. Who will be able to deny them that right? The guarantee is implied, we will be told, by the Constitution. Those who disagree will continue to be seen as hate-mongers and bigots. (Indeed, those charges are already being leveled against those of us who espouse biblical values!) How about group marriage, or marriage between relatives, or marriage between adults and children? How about marriage between a man and his donkey? Anything allegedly linked to “civil rights” will be doable. The legal underpinnings for marriage will have been destroyed.

What’s to say, then, that some judicial activist wearing the devil’s own garments will not hand out library cards to two adult women or two adult men in the same family?  Imagine the chaos.  What’s to stop that same misguided judge, relying on nothing more substantial than a 250 year old piece of paper, from giving a library card to a donkey?  That would have a tragic effect on libraries around the country.  Have you ever seen what donkey poop can do to a library rug?  Besides, donkeys can’t read.  Unless of course, the Abba-loving, Rykrisp noshing judges want to advocate teaching reading in schools…to donkeys.

Argument #3
An even greater objective of the homosexual movement is to end the state’s compelling interest in marital relationships altogether. After marriages have been redefined, divorces will be obtained instantly, will not involve a court, and will take on the status of a driver’s license or a hunting permit. With the family out of the way, all rights and privileges of marriage will accrue to gay and lesbian partners without the legal entanglements and commitments heretofore associated with it.

I think we can all see the clear logic of this argument, right?  It would be absurd for a government – responsible for the laws of the land – to treat their involvement in marriage, namely the part that has to do with laws and rights, as an issue of laws and rights. 

If governments were to issue library cards to non-heterosexuals, the door would be open to offering those same non-heterosexuals other rights and privileges of society, such as protection from the fire departments and police, the joy of paying taxes, and the possibility of a free and adequate education. 

Argument #4
With the legalization of homosexual marriage, every public school in the nation will be required to teach that this perversion is the moral equivalent of traditional marriage between a man and a woman. Textbooks, even in conservative states, will have to depict man/man and woman/woman relationships, and stories written for children as young as elementary school, or even kindergarten, will have to give equal space to homosexuals.

This argument about keeping the issuance of library cards a sacred privilege for heterosexuals practically makes itself, doesn’t it?!  If gays are allowed to have library cards, they will be allowed unrestricted access to books, and therefore, knowledge, including the knowledge that we have fought so hard to keep out of the public schools – like how the world was created in seven days , dinosaurs are fictional, and how women are meant to be subject to men’s wills.  Which is irrelevant if the gay couple is two men, but still…subversive ideas are subversive ideas!


Argument #5
From that point forward, courts will not be able to favor a traditional family involving one man and one woman over a homosexual couple in matters of adoption. Children will be placed in homes with parents representing only one sex on an equal basis with those having a mom and a dad. The prospect of fatherless and motherless children will not be considered in the evaluation of eligibility. It will be the law.

If homosexuals are granted access to libraries, they will be able to check out books.  If they fail to return these books and are delinquent in paying their fines, the libraries will suffer.  The law will, essentially, require that people do not return library books.  Probably, people will be encouraged to write in them.  In Scandinavian languages.

Argument #6
Foster-care parents will be required to undergo “sensitivity training” to rid themselves of bias in favor of traditional marriage, and will have to affirm homosexuality in children and teens.

Clearly, sensitivity is bad.  As is knowledge without the mitigating factor of intervention by fanatics with your best interests at heart.  If gays are allowed in libraries, librarians will have to learn how to pretend that gay people should be treated like non-gay people and to be able to deal with those gay people on a regular basis without becoming hysterical or despondent.  The cost of the counseling and treatment for these librarians would place an undue burden on the non-homosexual tax-paying public.

Argument #7
How about the impact on Social Security if there are millions of new dependents that will be entitled to survivor benefits? It will amount to billions of dollars on an already overburdened system. And how about the cost to American businesses? Unproductive costs mean fewer jobs for those who need them. Are state and municipal governments to be required to raise taxes substantially to provide health insurance and other benefits to millions of new “spouses and other dependents”?

It would be unreasonable to expect that tax-paying and hard working homosexuals receive the same economic benefit from our society as heterosexuals.  By the same token, if homosexuals  are allowed to check books out of the library, libraries will need to stock more books to accommodate the extra demand.  The cost of acquiring those extra books would be passed on to taxpayers and municipal governments.  The financial impact of this added book-buying burden could be devastating and could require that townships and counties go without critical services, like meter maids who hover nearby, waiting for your meter to expire while you race back to your car from Dunkin’ Donuts because everybody knows that Dunkin’ Donuts makes the best coffee.

Argument #8
Marriage among homosexuals will spread throughout the world, just as pornography did after the Nixon Commission declared obscene material “beneficial” to mankind.11 Almost instantly, the English-speaking countries liberalized their laws against smut. America continues to be the fountainhead of filth and immorality, and its influence is global…

Library use by homosexuals will be spread throughout the world, just as pornography did after the Nixon Commission declared obscene material, such as literature and art, beneficial to mankind.  And everybody knows that straight porn is the only kind of acceptable porn.  Gay porn is just weird.

Argument #9
Perhaps most important, the spread of the Gospel of Jesus Christ will be severely curtailed. The family has been God’s primary vehicle for evangelism since the beginning.

Its most important assignment has been the propagation of the human race and the handing down of the faith to our children. Malachi 2:15 reads, referring to husbands and wives, “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth” (NIV).

That responsibility to teach the next generation will never recover from the loss of committed, God-fearing families. The younger generation and those yet to come will be deprived of the Good News, as has already occurred in France, Germany and other European countries. Instead of providing for a father and mother, the advent of homosexual marriage will create millions of motherless children and fatherless kids. This is morally wrong, and is condemned in Scripture. Are we now going to join the Netherlands and Belgium to become the third country in the history of the world to “normalize” and legalize behavior that has been prohibited by God himself? Heaven help us if we do!

And also, God told me that he doesn’t want homosexuals to read books.  He did. Therefore, giving library cards to homosexuals is morally wrong.  Because I said so.  I mean, God said so.  To me.  He did.  I promise.

Argument #10
The culture war will be over, and I fear, the world may soon become “as it was in the days of Noah” (Matthew 24:37, NIV). This is the climactic moment in the battle to preserve the family, and future generations hang in the balance.

This apocalyptic and pessimistic view of the institution of the family and its future will sound alarmist to many, but I think it will prove accurate unless-unless-God’s people awaken and begin an even greater vigil of prayer for our nation. That’s why Shirley and I are urgently seeking the Lord’s favor and asking Him to hear the petitions of His people and heal our land.

As of this time, however, large segments of the church appear to be unaware of the danger; its leaders are surprisingly silent about our peril (although we are tremendously thankful for the efforts of those who have spoken out on this issue). The lawless abandon occurring recently in California, New Mexico, New York, Oregon, Washington and elsewhere should have shocked us out of our lethargy. So far, I’m alarmed to say, the concern and outrage of the American people have not translated into action.

This reticence on behalf of Christians is deeply troubling. Marriage is a sacrament designed by God that serves as a metaphor for the relationship between Christ and His Church. Tampering with His plan for the family is immoral and wrong. To violate the Lord’s expressed will for humankind, especially in regard to behavior that He has prohibited, is to court disaster.

Finally, and in conclusion, giving library cards to homosexuals will result in the apocalypse.

The end.
















*Don’t click on it.  They don’t deserve the traffic.