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1)  I have a deep appreciation for Huge Ackman.  And not just because of his cute Australian accent and general hotness.

2)  I have a greater appreciation for Jon Stewart, entirely because of his hilariousness and not at all because of the way he dresses which is Willy Loman meets Men’s Wearhouse.

3)  It is, therefore, difficult for me to make up my mind about the relative success of Huge’s hosting gig last night at the Oscars.  Mr. Down Under is multi-talented in a way I’d not previously known, I’ll give him that.

4)  Among the many, many things I do not understand in this world there are three for which I feel particular disdain:  cheerleading, marching bands, and musical theater.  It was with more than a little dismay, then, that Huge and his troupe of dancing people I didn’t know except Beyonce who is more fantastic with some junk in her trunk sang and hoofed their way through a celebratory medley of “hooray the  musical is back” songs.  Plus the lip syncing s.u.c.k.e.d.

5)  Amnesty International has started a campaign to help liberate Sarah Jessica Parker’s boobies from her dress.  Clearly, we cannot stand by and let yabbos be so inhumanely held captive.  Bono has declared that he will not rest until SJP’s hooters are released into the wild.
 



6)  Goldie Hawn just gets weirder and weirder, but for someone who proclaims to be kind of a hippie, her gazongas sure look pretty oppressed, too.



7)  Speaking of SJP…I was extremely uncomfortable with the Let Them Eat Cake fashion trend so evident last night on the red carpet.  Doesn’t it seem a little gauche to be wearing such elaborate and clearly haute, haute, haute couture gowns when the rest of the country is headed down the fiscal crapper?  Even Hannah Montana, who forgot that she is only a kid and dressed up as a society dowager hosting a ball smack dab in the midst of the Ivan Boesky “Greed is Good” 80′s.







This girl is all features, no face.  If her eyes get any bigger relative to the rest of her head she’s going to look like one of those pictures of kittens with orbital sockets the size of planets.  She changed into another dress in the musical number where she pretended to be Nixon (WTF??!!);  I liked that one better.



Plus, this one is just unattractive.  It actually laces up the back.  Yipes.  On second look, I wonder if this is an undergarment?  Maybe she was supposed to put on a hoop skirt over it?  I think Scarlett O’Hara had Mammy lace up something like this before Scarlett put on her dress for the big picnic on the south lawn.

9)  Everyone seems to be wearing beige, grey, brown, and silver…AGAIN.  But for all the Marie Antoinette sparkles, I might have dozed off, thinking I was watching footage of a dirt pile or a sand dune.  Because Stephen Colbert stole that observation about the general griege-ness of the gowns from me after the Golden Globes, I fully expect him to plagiarize again.  I’ll be watching you, Colbert.

10)  A little bit softer, now.  A little bit softer, now.  A little bit softer, now.  Step 1:  take a plain colored bed sheet.  Step 2:  wrap it around your self – tightly, so your boobs look mashed.  Step 3:  throw one end of the sheet over one shoulder.  Step 4:  belt it. 

Now you’re ready for the Oscar Toga Party!  


 










Is that some kind of “I support Scientologists” pin on Will?  I really hope not.



This picture also works for the Let Them Eat Cake gallery…How many people did it take to make all those pleats?  Can you imagine ironing that son of a bitch?



I love me some Kate Winslet, especially since I heard her use the phrase, “purple headed womb-ferret” in Extras with Ricky Gervais, but there was a very funny piece about the way she embarrassed her motherland in the New York Times yesterday.  But.  Toga.



Jeezy Chreezy Mary Hart!  PLAIN bedsheet, PLAIN bedsheet!

11)  I didn’t see any of the movies nominated for anything except for the first 20 minutes of Wall-E which I had to leave early because Thing 2 thought it was too loud and wanted to leave because hello?  Babysitters are $10 an hour and movie tickets are a million dollars and then you have to factor in the popcorn and the milkduds that you have to mix in with the popcorn and the diet coke the size of your head and nobody has made a movie yet that is worth that kind of cash.  Still, everybody who I thought should win, did win. 

12)  Most significant victory of the evening:  Jennifer Aniston appeared on stage looking like a natural, healthy, down to earth, California golden ray of sunshine, despite the fact that she had to spend the evening with her fingers in her ears going, “la la la la la la” because every other member of the known universe in possession of a microphone rattled on and on about the obnoxiously self-satisfied Brangelina and how perfect they are…including the be-toga’d Guliana Di Pandi or whatever her name is now that she married the guy who won The Apprentice who got all breathy and just repeated “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god” when the blessed pair appeared on the red carpet.  Compared to this Goth Stickbug:





Team Aniston Forever!




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p.s.  Most beautiful woman at the Oscars…never heard of her but who cares, Taraji something or other from The Curious Case of Benja...zzz……Sorry.  I dozed off there for a second.  Look at her smile, though, wouldya?  Gorgeous.



Fishtails don’t look good on anyone…including fish.  Not even Beyonce – junk and trunk notwithstanding.



She’s catching a lot of grief for it, but I actually liked Jessica Biel’s dress AND hair, which bucked the shellacked helmet trend.