Sand In My Bathing Suit

The Facts of Life, Part II

If your packing list for a week at the beach looks like this:

seven days’ worth of clothes for four people
every bathing suit you can lay hands on
beach towels
…including root touch up kit because work starts the day after you get back, and, DAMN!
nail polish
sun screen
bug spray
tan in a can
large floppy sun hat
seventeen large novels
four cardboard boxes full of English 9 prep
kids’ books
kids’ art supplies
bike trailer
exercise clothes
sand trucks
beach umbrella
paper plates
paper napkins
dish soap
laundry detergent
diet pepsi
juice boxes

Here’s what you will have packed so far:

tan in a can

If your “to do before you leave town for the beach” list looks like this:

scale laundry mountain
take recycling to land o’ recycling
remake beds
dismantle pirate ship made of dining room chairs and bedsheets that appeared miraculously yesterday while you were reading O Magazine thinking deep thoughts
clean bathrooms
obliterate all plastic crap that belongs to children and is evidence of too many Happy Meals clean up toys
mail the packages that have been sitting by the door for a week
drop off copying at work so that you are ready for the school year to begin
go to the bank
have panic attack after viewing bank balance
recover from panic attack and vow to find new career as hedge fund manager
stop newspaper
clean out the  fridge
turn off icemaker
arrange for fish-feeding
locate missing hermit crab
pay bills
respond to shocking number of emails left unanswered
get driver’s license renewed – 10 months AND COUNTING
empty trash

Here’s what you will have done:

“clean out” the fridge – eating, cleaning, what’s the difference?
make lists
read article about Jon Stewart in today’s
NYTimes and plan your wedding to him that will occur AFTER your husband and his wife meet at the airport in Chicago and fall madly in love and leave you both despondent.

These Boots Are Made For Walkin’…oh yeah…and KICKIN’ ASS

Gold Medal Shmedal
Michael Phelps Shmelps

I’ve got THIS, courtesy of the lovely Pamela at
The Dayton Time.

Kick Ass Blogger Award

And though following directions is not generally my strong suit, I’ll put on my big girl pants and give it my best effort.


This award originated with
MamaDawg, and came to me, as already noted, via The Dayton Time.

It is customary to reward five others with this Kick Ass Award, and so:

Even though she is on hiatus and not just because her children are insanely well behaved and charming-
Simply Nutmeg.

Funny and very smart lady found here at The New Girl - the kind of person who is so funny and smart that if you hadn’t met her you would be intimidated by her, but, having met her, I can attest to the fact that TNG = funny+smart+nice.

Brave enough to admit say what some of us think and insightful enough to make us want to read it, and I think I forgot to mention FREAKING HILARIOUS -
The Bloggess.

Who’s your daddy – find out at Family Clay (I’m sorry, Mrs. Family Clay…that sounds a little freaky, it’s late.  I’ve got nothing else).

And, last but not least, she may call herself “
Formerly Fun,” but I guarantee you, this one is major current all the time fun, AND she has knowledge of things that the rest of us mere mortals can only wonder about.  I am fascinated.

Muchas smooches everybody


The Facts of Life, Part I

You take the good,
You take the bad,
You take them both and there you have the facts of life.
The facts of life.

There’s a time you gotta go and show
You’re growin’ now,
You know about the facts of life.
The facts of life.

When the world never seems,
To be living up to your dreams.
And suddenly you’re finding out,
The facts of life are all about you.
All about you.
A-ll about you.
It takes a lot to get em right,
But you’re learnin the facts of life.
Learnin the facts of life.
Learnin the facts of life.
Learnin the facts of li-fe.

Warning:  Contents contain gratuitous Clooney

I have absolutely no idea what Cloris Leachman is doing in this photograph, nor can I explain the small blond boy (?) next to Le Clooney. 

Among the Facts of Life are these:

If you plan a party and borrow and arrange a lot of chairs and tables in your yard and invite lots of people and their kids to run around and play horseshoes and eat chicken cooked on the grill, it will rain.  And not just rain, but storm madly.  Also, count on a tornado warning and quarter-sized hail.

Fortunately, you have easy going friends who will not only bring you flowers and wine and music and wonderful things to eat but will not comment on the slightly damp nature of the chicken and who are probably kind of psyched that their kids are running around your house and not their own during Tropical Storm WhatTheHell.

If you invite people to your house, you will probably get your act together enough to slap at least one coat of paint on a wall…maybe even more than one wall.  You might even hang the poster you’ve been threatening to.

If you, after excessive careful deliberation at the grocery store, decide that YES you will pay forty trillion dollars for the JUMBO ziploc bags because you will absolutely need them when you pack for the beach, you will walk into the kitchen shortly thereafter to find this:

Then, as you travel around the house, following the trail of JUMBO ziploc bags, you will find that they are being used as “egg sacs” for “dung beetles” who are carving inroads into a giant pile of “dung” otherwise known as “your bed,” as featured here:

Still, and yet, forty trillion dollars and a trashed baggie and tinfoil drawer and oh yes BED are a small price to pay for the fact that your children actually visited a museum last week (have I mentioned how much I love my in-laws?) and absorbed some culture – albeit of the dung beetle variety.  My prayer to Isis must have worked.


You take the good
You take the bad.
You take them both and there you have the facts of life.

Where do you take them???  I’ll look into that.