Snarkapalooza
Reading the dreck so you don't have to.
I don't know if I'm bitter and cranky because this weekend felt like summer and now, what ho, IT'S NOT, or what, but this was the wrong, or right I guess depending on your perspective and snark tolerance, week for People to put AshlEE Simpson and Pete Wentz's wedding on the cover.
I'm going to town.
Right out of the gate I'm looking at Angelina and Brad. They may be saving the universe for the rest of us shlocks, but 1) $60 million is too much to spend for a house. And how many houses do they have, anyway? 2) Nobody has the right to look that good pregnant. I don't care how much food aid they've personally delivered. 3) I cannot look at them, all smiley...in fact, he's staring at and smiling at (as if they're going to smile back) her gigantic pregnant boobs in one picture...and perfect and not be pissed off on Jen's behalf. I just can't.
BUT. Shiloh is one cute kid. No passing that one off as an anyone else's kid.
Next, we see Jay Z and Beyonce at a basketball game. She's looking pretty and happy and social- you know NORMAL IF YOU ARE OUT IN PUBLIC, and he's frowning, wearing sunglasses, and playing with his blackberry. Loser.
Reese and Jake. Yes. They are a couple. They look like a normal couple. Apparently the "media" ragged on her for having a not perfect body. Looks pretty good to me. She's had two kids, for heaven's sake.
Britney in Costa Rica with Mel Gibson. This is too weird to even say anything about.
Kate Hudson is dating Lance Armstrong. Which is convenient, for me at least, because now the two people I am MOST OVER are going to be together being boring and overpublicized at the same time. No more dividing my time being bored, I can be bored all at once.
Denise Richards' reality show on E sucks apparently. I know. What a shocker.
Then we have a few pages of AshLEE and Pete's Alice and Wonderland themed wedding. Except that it was more Alice and Wonderland meets Britney Spears' November Rain wedding. Her "formal" picture with the wedding party looked like one of those photos you have taken with your drunk friends on vacation while you are walking on the boardwalk. You know, those places where you can dress up in costume like people from the Wild West? Except it looks goth. And everybody has an open mouth or hands raised in a "we rock" salute. Just for good measure, there's a photo of her sister, what's her name? She used to be famous for something, being tan I think, doing the lambada with Tony Romo.
Big story about real women losing weight. Actually not sick-making, but kind of nice and positive and inspirational and they all looked like actual people.
Oh lordy. It's Tonya Harding. Train wreck. Avert your eyes. Just keep walking by. Don't look. La la la la la.
Sarah Jessica Parker wearing a flesh colored dress that appears to be grabbing her breasts. Hmm...interesting. Lots of people wearing "summer moccasins." Except they are tall boots. Made of black suede. And fringy. In the summer.
And then...the clouds part. The sun streams through. Choirs of angels sing Hallelujah...and there's a story about the only reality show that could possibly suck worse than Denise Richards'. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:
"At Home with the Lohans."
Their house looks a lot like the houses used for porn sets. At least, according to HBO and the Showtime show Weeds. Not that I have any firsthand knowledge of such things.
Here are some gems:
On her relationship with Lindsay, Dina says, "It's more of an adult relationship now, but she's still my child. She'll call me - Mommy I need this, I need that. Mommy, if you go to Barneys next week, look for that." How about that! Adult relationships = the relationship between a spoiled child and an indulgent parent. Even better, parenting is reduced to shopping at Barneys.
Ali, the 14 year old sister, dressed in four inch platform heels and black ...wait for it...leggings, looking a little like one of those 45 year old women who get busted for running prostitution rings out of their upper middle class McMansions in the burbs, says, "I'm following in my sister's footsteps. She tells me the right things to do in life." We'll be looking forward to your embarrassing YouTube videos and stint in rehab then.
"Cody AKA Dakota" (WHA??????? Why both? Isn't one clichéd celebrity child name sufficient???) poses outside the house with a downright ominous looking air gun.
Charming.
Moving on.
On the back page, when asked about their favorite getaways:
Fergie says, "Going fishing in Mexico. I catch mahimahi and marlin, but you have to throw back the marlin because you don't want to endanger the species anymore." blink blink
Gabriel Aubry says, "Greece. It's sunny all day...everything is white and it's beautiful (which is kind of a weird thing to say when the mother of your child is Halle Berry). I want to go to all of the islands." That's nice. I hope you don't have any other plans, because there are 1400 of them.
Carmen Electra says, "Staying home. With work I travel a lot. So I get very excited to stay home and play Guitar Hero." Really. Is that so. LIAR. First of all, what work? What is it, exactly, that you DO??? Second, I don't believe you.
We're done here. Please go read something meaningful to balance yourself. Otherwise you'll be walking around all day more stupid than not, and I want more for you.
I don't know if I'm bitter and cranky because this weekend felt like summer and now, what ho, IT'S NOT, or what, but this was the wrong, or right I guess depending on your perspective and snark tolerance, week for People to put AshlEE Simpson and Pete Wentz's wedding on the cover.
I'm going to town.
Right out of the gate I'm looking at Angelina and Brad. They may be saving the universe for the rest of us shlocks, but 1) $60 million is too much to spend for a house. And how many houses do they have, anyway? 2) Nobody has the right to look that good pregnant. I don't care how much food aid they've personally delivered. 3) I cannot look at them, all smiley...in fact, he's staring at and smiling at (as if they're going to smile back) her gigantic pregnant boobs in one picture...and perfect and not be pissed off on Jen's behalf. I just can't.
BUT. Shiloh is one cute kid. No passing that one off as an anyone else's kid.
Next, we see Jay Z and Beyonce at a basketball game. She's looking pretty and happy and social- you know NORMAL IF YOU ARE OUT IN PUBLIC, and he's frowning, wearing sunglasses, and playing with his blackberry. Loser.
Reese and Jake. Yes. They are a couple. They look like a normal couple. Apparently the "media" ragged on her for having a not perfect body. Looks pretty good to me. She's had two kids, for heaven's sake.
Britney in Costa Rica with Mel Gibson. This is too weird to even say anything about.
Kate Hudson is dating Lance Armstrong. Which is convenient, for me at least, because now the two people I am MOST OVER are going to be together being boring and overpublicized at the same time. No more dividing my time being bored, I can be bored all at once.
Denise Richards' reality show on E sucks apparently. I know. What a shocker.
Then we have a few pages of AshLEE and Pete's Alice and Wonderland themed wedding. Except that it was more Alice and Wonderland meets Britney Spears' November Rain wedding. Her "formal" picture with the wedding party looked like one of those photos you have taken with your drunk friends on vacation while you are walking on the boardwalk. You know, those places where you can dress up in costume like people from the Wild West? Except it looks goth. And everybody has an open mouth or hands raised in a "we rock" salute. Just for good measure, there's a photo of her sister, what's her name? She used to be famous for something, being tan I think, doing the lambada with Tony Romo.
Big story about real women losing weight. Actually not sick-making, but kind of nice and positive and inspirational and they all looked like actual people.
Oh lordy. It's Tonya Harding. Train wreck. Avert your eyes. Just keep walking by. Don't look. La la la la la.
Sarah Jessica Parker wearing a flesh colored dress that appears to be grabbing her breasts. Hmm...interesting. Lots of people wearing "summer moccasins." Except they are tall boots. Made of black suede. And fringy. In the summer.
And then...the clouds part. The sun streams through. Choirs of angels sing Hallelujah...and there's a story about the only reality show that could possibly suck worse than Denise Richards'. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:
"At Home with the Lohans."
Their house looks a lot like the houses used for porn sets. At least, according to HBO and the Showtime show Weeds. Not that I have any firsthand knowledge of such things.
Here are some gems:
On her relationship with Lindsay, Dina says, "It's more of an adult relationship now, but she's still my child. She'll call me - Mommy I need this, I need that. Mommy, if you go to Barneys next week, look for that." How about that! Adult relationships = the relationship between a spoiled child and an indulgent parent. Even better, parenting is reduced to shopping at Barneys.
Ali, the 14 year old sister, dressed in four inch platform heels and black ...wait for it...leggings, looking a little like one of those 45 year old women who get busted for running prostitution rings out of their upper middle class McMansions in the burbs, says, "I'm following in my sister's footsteps. She tells me the right things to do in life." We'll be looking forward to your embarrassing YouTube videos and stint in rehab then.
"Cody AKA Dakota" (WHA??????? Why both? Isn't one clichéd celebrity child name sufficient???) poses outside the house with a downright ominous looking air gun.
Charming.
Moving on.
On the back page, when asked about their favorite getaways:
Fergie says, "Going fishing in Mexico. I catch mahimahi and marlin, but you have to throw back the marlin because you don't want to endanger the species anymore." blink blink
Gabriel Aubry says, "Greece. It's sunny all day...everything is white and it's beautiful (which is kind of a weird thing to say when the mother of your child is Halle Berry). I want to go to all of the islands." That's nice. I hope you don't have any other plans, because there are 1400 of them.
Carmen Electra says, "Staying home. With work I travel a lot. So I get very excited to stay home and play Guitar Hero." Really. Is that so. LIAR. First of all, what work? What is it, exactly, that you DO??? Second, I don't believe you.
We're done here. Please go read something meaningful to balance yourself. Otherwise you'll be walking around all day more stupid than not, and I want more for you.
Worst mothers - EVER in order.
1. Joan Crawford
2. Susan Smith (woman who drowned her kids in a car because her boyfriend didn't want kids
3. Dina Lohan
4. Lynne Spears
5. Andrea Yates (she was mentally ill. If I were just naming parent, her husband would have been ahead of her on the list).
So, by all that is holy, who gave Dina Lohan her own show. I want that person's head on a silver platter.
And if it's the same person who gave the biggest bitch of the century, Denise Richards her own show, too, I want that person tortured first.
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Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong are PERFECT for each other. Both so smug and icky.
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OMG Tonya Harding? She's still around? I thought that by now she'd be mopping the floors at a French Fry joint in Oregon someplace. *shiver*
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I would agree with HG. I abhor Kate Hudson.
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Tall suede boots, in the summer?
Ugh, I can't back that - even if SJP wears them.
Think of the sweat
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Tonya Harding?? Wow.
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That was fabulous. So much more enjoyable than doing the reading myself. I would rather read the gum ingredients while in line at the grocery store.
oh. I must say, though, that while brad and angelina are both beautiful people, and so, by default, shiloh is, too...my kid is way cuter. I don't know how that happened. I absolutely did NOT look good while I was pregnant.
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