Don't Be Such A Dickey
The other night, at the end of a skit mocking Bill Waste of Carbon O'Reilly for being outed as a big jerk (!!amazing!!), 1970's Stephen Colbert ripped off a sweater to reveal a dickey. The dickey is, unequivocally, comedic gold.
Let's ponder this. A dickey is a small piece of fabric that you put over your head to make it look like you are wearing an entire shirt so that you are spared the...what??? what is it that a dickey saves you from? I cannot for the life of me figure it out.
I do know, however, that we all love to learn little shortcuts here and there to make our lives easier. Lifehacks. Parenthacks. Real Simple magazine (which I love, but yet does not result in any life simplification, but rather more wallet empyting than perhaps is wise). Straightening irons.
I'll do you one better.
Life Dickeys.
They're similar to "hacks" or shortcuts, but, like dickeys, would be way more embarrassing if anyone found out you were using them, because, as Adelle so sagely pointed out, dickeys = subterfuge.
To wit:
Throwing your dirty shirt in the dryer with a Bounce sheet so that you can wear it again the next day.
Even better, wearing a pajama shirt under your sweater when you wake up late.
Repeatedly driving by some guy's house late at night to find out if he's dating anyone else rather than JUST ASKING HIM.
Making up intelligence reports about WMD rather than actually compiling intelligence or using intelligence.
Gum instead of toothpaste.
Watching the movie instead of reading your book group book.
Hiring a body double for your home-made sex tape. Note I said, "YOUR." Not "MY." Freak.
Giving your kid cereal for breakfast four nights in a row. Not that I've ever done that. Or would even consider it.
Lip syncing your performance on SNL.
Bandaid-ing nipples despite use of mondo-padded bra to avoid nipple poke-through on the jobsite instead of...I dunno...smaller nipples? Adjusting the thermostat?
Stapling your pants when the hem fails.
Regifting.
Tell me yours.
Let's ponder this. A dickey is a small piece of fabric that you put over your head to make it look like you are wearing an entire shirt so that you are spared the...what??? what is it that a dickey saves you from? I cannot for the life of me figure it out.
I do know, however, that we all love to learn little shortcuts here and there to make our lives easier. Lifehacks. Parenthacks. Real Simple magazine (which I love, but yet does not result in any life simplification, but rather more wallet empyting than perhaps is wise). Straightening irons.
I'll do you one better.
Life Dickeys.
They're similar to "hacks" or shortcuts, but, like dickeys, would be way more embarrassing if anyone found out you were using them, because, as Adelle so sagely pointed out, dickeys = subterfuge.
To wit:
Throwing your dirty shirt in the dryer with a Bounce sheet so that you can wear it again the next day.
Even better, wearing a pajama shirt under your sweater when you wake up late.
Repeatedly driving by some guy's house late at night to find out if he's dating anyone else rather than JUST ASKING HIM.
Making up intelligence reports about WMD rather than actually compiling intelligence or using intelligence.
Gum instead of toothpaste.
Watching the movie instead of reading your book group book.
Hiring a body double for your home-made sex tape. Note I said, "YOUR." Not "MY." Freak.
Giving your kid cereal for breakfast four nights in a row. Not that I've ever done that. Or would even consider it.
Lip syncing your performance on SNL.
Bandaid-ing nipples despite use of mondo-padded bra to avoid nipple poke-through on the jobsite instead of...I dunno...smaller nipples? Adjusting the thermostat?
Stapling your pants when the hem fails.
Regifting.
Tell me yours.
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