Who Needs Nuns and Grammar?
It's Wednesday, and the fates have sent me a gifty...in the form of Gwyneth Paltrow on the cover of May's Vogue.
Turns out her neck is three feet long...and she's a mermaid. Go Fug Yourself said something about this a while ago, but I hadn't actually seen the cover. I like shiny things...including her dress, but not including her face, which is also a little sparkly. (And speaking of the Fug, it's fun over there today...Olson twins, The Clooney, Katie Holmes dressed up as Spiderman.)
Let's open it up and see what awaits us!
Ad for Aerin Lauder's SPECIAL perfume...she has a long neck, too. I guess I missed a memo. Can one have one's neck lengthened?? She also has terrific hair. I covet Aerin Lauder's hair.
An ad for a white leather bag. No. Asked and answered.
An ad for a shiny pink bag with Hayden Breadstore in it. Too shiny.
Yippee!!! A new Marc Jacobs ad with Posh in it. Apparently, she might be perhaps a teensy bit pregnant. We'll have to watch carefully to determine if her upper lip gets any bigger, like Nicole Kidman's did.
Ralph Lauren ad with someone dressed up as Karl Lagerfeld. That doesn't make sense to me. Shouldn't they have someone dressed up as Ralph Lauren?
Oh look. More white leather.
Plum Sykes' favorite superhero is Wonder Woman "because she has girl power." Good to know.
An ad for a "flirty, fun, fascinating fragrance from Paris Hilton." Quick, call your broker! Vogue must be going under! Conde Nasty must be suffering a financial catastrophe! Why else would this ad be here? Every picture in this 8 (!) page ad spread for Can Can (Does Does and Did Did more like it) features The City of Light making the exact same face...and a straight blond be-banged wig. If it were April, I'd think this was an April Fool's joke. It's that bad.
Amy Ephron wrote an article about how much she loves Saks. The store, not the purses. I'm with her.
Jenna is getting married at the ranch, not at the White House. Neat. Don't care. Feel bad for homely twin who is smart.
Hey! More white leather. It's going to be a long summer.
There's a new It girl. Her name is Lauren Remington Platt and she is 23. As near as I can tell, she's a snappy dresser, her great great grandfather was a Union brigadier general and established a halfway house in Hell's Kitchen. Nothing about her education nor a career...but "a recent initiative is offering children organic snacks."
Helen Hunt is in a new movie that she, I think...wrote and directed. It's an adaptation of an Elinor Lipman novel, who, I should mention, never fails to underwhelm me. But I like Helen Hunt...you could say, I'm MAD about her. Groan.
Jakob Dylan is beautiful.
French manicures are making a comeback. Boo. Hiss.
Tweed shorts and jacket. Interesting. The model looks like a mental patient.
That was a hell of a lot of crap to sift through to get to "Gwyneth's Guide to Life." I'd better be dazzled. And guess what...even better...how I love synchronicity, Plum Sykes wrote it.
Ohmigod! "These are the clothes I went to bed in!" exclaims G, "I'm so untogether."
I hate this article already. But I will persist.
She is an "utterly devoted mother. " Take a number, sister, this isn't newsworthy. In fact, it's like, required.
Her "nutrition people say don't eat raw because of the mercury..." so she only eats sushi at night (because mercury doesn't hurt you at night?). I totally know what she means. My nutrition people say the same thing....except that they are talking about cookie dough not sushi and butter and sugar not mercury and they are named My Right Thigh and My Left Thigh.
According to Super G The Mother of The Year, life is easy when you simplify everything. So to that end, you should have a nanny, order organic produce and all your clothes (those that you buy, not the trunkloads that designers send to you free) online, and oh yes, you'll be needing a driver.
According to a friend, she's very smart. She is, in fact, "a wealth of information on headboards and paint colors!"
She has grown from a size 4 to a size 6 since having children, BUT (interesting...I could write an entire book about that BUT...that sounded weird, BUT you know what I mean) "it's liberating to just go up a size or two." Watch out, though, they hate us because we're free.
Then things get craaaazy. She says she only works out while her children are napping because otherwise she feels guilty, but later she says that she works out 2 hours a day. Sometimes via "video chat" with her trainer. I don't believe her. About either.
The rest is all about her friends, who happen to be mostly royalty, it seems, and how ordinary they all are. Whew. What a relief.
Nutmeg, don't hate the haters, now! I'm sure she is very nice and a great mommy and a terrific wife and her house is clean and she is healthy and fit and sane and cool and nice and can pick a great headboard and all, but.
It seems very clear to me after spending3.2 minutes 45 minutes reading this article, that the best way to simplify your life and be like Gwyneth is to be boring as shit.
Which, come to think of it, doesn't sound half bad.
Turns out her neck is three feet long...and she's a mermaid. Go Fug Yourself said something about this a while ago, but I hadn't actually seen the cover. I like shiny things...including her dress, but not including her face, which is also a little sparkly. (And speaking of the Fug, it's fun over there today...Olson twins, The Clooney, Katie Holmes dressed up as Spiderman.)
Let's open it up and see what awaits us!
Ad for Aerin Lauder's SPECIAL perfume...she has a long neck, too. I guess I missed a memo. Can one have one's neck lengthened?? She also has terrific hair. I covet Aerin Lauder's hair.
An ad for a white leather bag. No. Asked and answered.
An ad for a shiny pink bag with Hayden Breadstore in it. Too shiny.
Yippee!!! A new Marc Jacobs ad with Posh in it. Apparently, she might be perhaps a teensy bit pregnant. We'll have to watch carefully to determine if her upper lip gets any bigger, like Nicole Kidman's did.
Ralph Lauren ad with someone dressed up as Karl Lagerfeld. That doesn't make sense to me. Shouldn't they have someone dressed up as Ralph Lauren?
Oh look. More white leather.
Plum Sykes' favorite superhero is Wonder Woman "because she has girl power." Good to know.
An ad for a "flirty, fun, fascinating fragrance from Paris Hilton." Quick, call your broker! Vogue must be going under! Conde Nasty must be suffering a financial catastrophe! Why else would this ad be here? Every picture in this 8 (!) page ad spread for Can Can (Does Does and Did Did more like it) features The City of Light making the exact same face...and a straight blond be-banged wig. If it were April, I'd think this was an April Fool's joke. It's that bad.
Amy Ephron wrote an article about how much she loves Saks. The store, not the purses. I'm with her.
Jenna is getting married at the ranch, not at the White House. Neat. Don't care. Feel bad for homely twin who is smart.
Hey! More white leather. It's going to be a long summer.
There's a new It girl. Her name is Lauren Remington Platt and she is 23. As near as I can tell, she's a snappy dresser, her great great grandfather was a Union brigadier general and established a halfway house in Hell's Kitchen. Nothing about her education nor a career...but "a recent initiative is offering children organic snacks."
Helen Hunt is in a new movie that she, I think...wrote and directed. It's an adaptation of an Elinor Lipman novel, who, I should mention, never fails to underwhelm me. But I like Helen Hunt...you could say, I'm MAD about her. Groan.
Jakob Dylan is beautiful.
French manicures are making a comeback. Boo. Hiss.
Tweed shorts and jacket. Interesting. The model looks like a mental patient.
That was a hell of a lot of crap to sift through to get to "Gwyneth's Guide to Life." I'd better be dazzled. And guess what...even better...how I love synchronicity, Plum Sykes wrote it.
Ohmigod! "These are the clothes I went to bed in!" exclaims G, "I'm so untogether."
I hate this article already. But I will persist.
She is an "utterly devoted mother. " Take a number, sister, this isn't newsworthy. In fact, it's like, required.
Her "nutrition people say don't eat raw because of the mercury..." so she only eats sushi at night (because mercury doesn't hurt you at night?). I totally know what she means. My nutrition people say the same thing....except that they are talking about cookie dough not sushi and butter and sugar not mercury and they are named My Right Thigh and My Left Thigh.
According to Super G The Mother of The Year, life is easy when you simplify everything. So to that end, you should have a nanny, order organic produce and all your clothes (those that you buy, not the trunkloads that designers send to you free) online, and oh yes, you'll be needing a driver.
According to a friend, she's very smart. She is, in fact, "a wealth of information on headboards and paint colors!"
She has grown from a size 4 to a size 6 since having children, BUT (interesting...I could write an entire book about that BUT...that sounded weird, BUT you know what I mean) "it's liberating to just go up a size or two." Watch out, though, they hate us because we're free.
Then things get craaaazy. She says she only works out while her children are napping because otherwise she feels guilty, but later she says that she works out 2 hours a day. Sometimes via "video chat" with her trainer. I don't believe her. About either.
The rest is all about her friends, who happen to be mostly royalty, it seems, and how ordinary they all are. Whew. What a relief.
Nutmeg, don't hate the haters, now! I'm sure she is very nice and a great mommy and a terrific wife and her house is clean and she is healthy and fit and sane and cool and nice and can pick a great headboard and all, but.
It seems very clear to me after spending
Which, come to think of it, doesn't sound half bad.
I think Gwyneth needs a little more airbrushing. She still looks somewhat human.
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Yes, I think I'm going to have to call it off.
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Call it off? I like when Nutmeg holds strong onto something.
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OMG it was totally fate that you wrote about this, because I PICKED THIS VERY ISSUE UP and read it at the dermatologist this morning! OMG!
Like, I totally wanna slap perfect little ole gwyneth. WAAH! I'm a size six! I have to work out! I can't eat sushi unless I drink! WAAAH!
What evs.
I did enjoy the article about the woman who adopted a scottish family. That was fun.
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didn't you hear? boring is the new black.
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Gwyneth is starting to look like an Olsen twin ... or she's in a fun-house mirror. If it's a mirror, I want one in my house.
I can't even recognize her. Babs Peapod
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I have met Aerin Lauder, her neck is not all that but her hair definitely is!!!!
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Gwyneth I'm kind of so-so about, but the fact that she's married to Chris Martin (shitty lyricist, great singer) amplifies her a bit in my mind. When he appeared on Extras, he was so good I nearly wet myself. I'm digressing....
Oh, and also, I've never been in Saks. I'm pretty sure the powers that be wouldn't let my rumpled ass enter.
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Why the hell is Gwyneth on the cover of Vogue? When was the last time she made a movie? And when was the last time she made a GOOD movie? She's about as worthy to be on the cover as me (that's right because I jumped up from a size 4 to a 6 after my 2 kids, too).
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More on the new It Girl. Finally Vogue chooses some new blood. I was getting sick of the Tinsley's of the world. The article says Lauren Remington Platt was a former model who now works on wall street. Her family started Remington Arms. I googled her and apparently she went to Columbia too. Love Aerin Lauders neck. Don't know why Gywneth is on the cover- I think its because she plays an assistant in Iron Man? But I love her Oscar de la Renta dress.
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I know Lauren Remington Platt. We went to school together. Please note that I got into Columbia fair and square...and she...well lets just say that her family connections went a long way. She couldn't stop bragging about how daddy bought her an ivy league education. One phone call and her all D's and F's were all of a sudden B's. Shes really as dumb as rocks. Works on "wall street" means an unpaid internship through connections. Trust me, this girl is not all that impressive and def not smart to do it on her own. She's a snob. She is all about connections and emphasizing who you know. She talks down to people who she thinks is beneath her. Horrid person.
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Are you kidding me? Is that Gwyneth? She looks 90% different. Hmm I guess that's the effect of too much photoshop!
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