Sturgeon's General Warning
Take heed. You wouldn't want to end up like this, would you?
Warning.
Becoming a ninth grade English teacher can lead to staying up late grading quizzes and reading repetitive paragraphs about oversimplifications of themes in Romeo and Juliet. On a Sunday.
Warning.
The need to stay up late grading said quizzes and repetitive paragraphs can result in excessive Diet Pepsi consumption. And too much pudding.
Warning.
Excessive Diet Pepsi consumption, not to mention too much pudding, can affect one's ability to fall asleep when the time for sleep is necessary. Nay. Urgent even.
Warning.
The inability to sleep on a Sunday evening due to excessive Diet Pepsi consumption, not to mention the whole pudding fiasco, can have a bizarre unintended consequence. Seek help if you suddenly find yourself, at 2 a.m., reading Plum Sykes' (Plum? Really? And not even as in "Plum....psych!) Bergdorf Blondes. All of it.
Warning.
Reading Plum Sykes' Bergdorf Blondes (probably at any time of day or night, to be honest) will result in feelings of self-loathing due to having brown hair, the unshakable conviction that anything over a size 2 = obesity,
and the deep desire to undergo a frontal lobotomy so as to be able to pursue life as a vapid, vain, and virtually vile Bergdorf Blonde.
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