Know Thyself
Posted by Well Read Hostess at 3/7/2008 12:23 PM and is filed under What I Know About Your Teenager That You Don't 
I'm a control freak. I'm also, ah...prone to anxiety. Ok...I'm slightly (Is there a Leichert scale for this?) neurotic. I hold myself to standards that I would never, ever think of applying to another person. This is old news in my history of navel-gazing and nit-picking, and I'm getting to be OK with it all.
BUT. I am not a perfectionist. I am related to some people who tend to towards perfectionism. Not naming any names...you know who you are...some of you aren't yet old enough to work the computer by yourself so you don't know I'm talking about you. As it should be.
Psychology Today has a really nice article about perfectionism, particularly as it relates to children and adolescents. You gentle reader, not the aforementioned relatives...I'm not lecturing you, oh blessed family, should read it, but in case you are rushed and need a Perfectionism Primer, (you are obviously NOT a perfectionist, or you would be reading the whole thing) here are some highlights:
"Adaptability is the characteristic that enables the species to survive - and if there's one thing perfectionism does, it rigidifies behavior. It constricts people just when the fast-moving world requires more flexibility and comfort with ambiguity than ever."
"Today's hothouse parents are not only overinvolved in their children's lives, they demand perfection from them in school. And if ever there was a blueprint for breeding psychological distress, that's it."
"Perfectionists fear that a mistake will lead others to think badly of them...They are haunted by uncertainty whenever they complete a task, which makes them reluctant to consider something finished. Intolerance for uncertainty characterizes obsessive compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, too."
"'There's a difference between excellence and perfection,' explains Miriam Adderholdt...Excellence involves enjoying what you're doing, feeling good about what you've learned, and developing confidence. Perfection involves feeling bad about a 98 and always finding mistakes no matter how well you're doing."
I was bitchslapped by this: " (Some) parents approve of their children only when high standards are met. Using covert, indirect techniques - a sigh, a strategic silence, the raised eyebrow - perfectionist parents apply their psychological control on the children, who then become self-critical."
I can rest my weary head on the pillow tonight knowing that I have not intentionally used any "covert" or "indirect" techniques, but I know good and well that my kids detect and absorb any anxiety I feel over their performances in given situations. This exchange of expectation, approval, disapproval, or reaction all happens subconsciously - on both sides - but I know it happens, sure as I know I just ate a Splenda-loaded fat free pudding cup after lunch. And I'd eat another one if I had it. I guess I need to work on this...the messages I send, not my pudding consumption.
Most of the parents I know accept this all as true on an intellectual level, but many of them don't live it. As the article begins, "You could say that perfectionism is a crime against humanity." Kids are humans...even when they act like howler monkeys.
BUT. I am not a perfectionist. I am related to some people who tend to towards perfectionism. Not naming any names...you know who you are...some of you aren't yet old enough to work the computer by yourself so you don't know I'm talking about you. As it should be.
Psychology Today has a really nice article about perfectionism, particularly as it relates to children and adolescents. You gentle reader, not the aforementioned relatives...I'm not lecturing you, oh blessed family, should read it, but in case you are rushed and need a Perfectionism Primer, (you are obviously NOT a perfectionist, or you would be reading the whole thing) here are some highlights:
"Adaptability is the characteristic that enables the species to survive - and if there's one thing perfectionism does, it rigidifies behavior. It constricts people just when the fast-moving world requires more flexibility and comfort with ambiguity than ever."
"Today's hothouse parents are not only overinvolved in their children's lives, they demand perfection from them in school. And if ever there was a blueprint for breeding psychological distress, that's it."
"Perfectionists fear that a mistake will lead others to think badly of them...They are haunted by uncertainty whenever they complete a task, which makes them reluctant to consider something finished. Intolerance for uncertainty characterizes obsessive compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, too."
"'There's a difference between excellence and perfection,' explains Miriam Adderholdt...Excellence involves enjoying what you're doing, feeling good about what you've learned, and developing confidence. Perfection involves feeling bad about a 98 and always finding mistakes no matter how well you're doing."
I was bitchslapped by this: " (Some) parents approve of their children only when high standards are met. Using covert, indirect techniques - a sigh, a strategic silence, the raised eyebrow - perfectionist parents apply their psychological control on the children, who then become self-critical."
I can rest my weary head on the pillow tonight knowing that I have not intentionally used any "covert" or "indirect" techniques, but I know good and well that my kids detect and absorb any anxiety I feel over their performances in given situations. This exchange of expectation, approval, disapproval, or reaction all happens subconsciously - on both sides - but I know it happens, sure as I know I just ate a Splenda-loaded fat free pudding cup after lunch. And I'd eat another one if I had it. I guess I need to work on this...the messages I send, not my pudding consumption.
Most of the parents I know accept this all as true on an intellectual level, but many of them don't live it. As the article begins, "You could say that perfectionism is a crime against humanity." Kids are humans...even when they act like howler monkeys.
Comments